Bored

Just at work right now with nothing to do...time was moving so fast earlier but now it seems to be stuck. I will attempt to speed it up with some erroneous thoughts.

I got a Lego Star Destroyer for Christmas. It may be the best present I have received in years. It will be a constant reminder that, yes, I am awesome.  See below.

I wish getting things done in real life was as easy as it is to accomplish in my head.  I have far too many ideas and not enough of them get actualized.


I'm so sure of outcomes it seems, that I cancel the future to be
madness brewed in an effort to censor all and everything
a battle for my expression is waged just the same
what was written is gone but the writing still remains



Its strange how sometimes it is so easy for me to express exactly what I want to say and get across in my writing and other times I am frozen.  This usually happens because I am so aware of multiple viewpoints and sympathetic to all sides of an issue that I cannot write something because I just think of all the ways it is wrong or dumb.  Like in a poem, I might start writing it and then freak out because the rhyme style changes or the meter shifts around.  I think the real problem is that my mind is such a powerful processor that I cant help but analyze things as they happen or before.  And not like just thinking about it, like intense thoughts on its impact and if someone read it all the ways they could view it and I see how easily it could be interpreted in different ways and I have no control over.

It is very aggravating to have a mind full of swirling ideas and being able to create so easily and then have this mind block.  I mean, its gotten to the point where I have so much anxiety about this kind of stuff that I wish I could just feel what it is like to be ignorant of all that.  Its easy to tell myself I can't control it and not to give a fuck, I just wish it could happen a little more consistently.

I am sure in a few hours I will have no problem with any of this...humans are such a fickle species.  Granted the priviledges of advanced intelligence and all the curses that come with them.  It sucks to think and be so smart nowadays when most everyone else is either ignorant, unintelligent or just vapid as balls.  Luckily I am good at finding friends who aren't, I don't know how else I would make it.





 

A Quandry

I have noticed that while reading a book, magazine, or other multiple page document I frequently use my finger(s) to hold my place at random times for no real reason. I don't usually realize it until I see my finger stuck in between some pages and flip back to see what was so important to find nothing particular at all!

Occasionally I have found myself holding several different spots at once with multiple fingers as if my brain is subconsciously forcing me to look back upon previously viewed information only to uncover nothing interesting at all. This kind of sucks after awhile because I like to think that I would be holding onto important and evocative passages or statements. When I notice myself holding that spot twenty pages back from where I am now I usually imagine that it contains some kind of secret to unlocking the context of the writing or at least a picture of a kitty. It is never any of these things but just a page I absentmindedly stuck my finger in.

Despite my awareness of the futility of my practice I cannot seem to stop myself from doing it. Tourettes perhaps, or just madness? Maybe I just like the surprise of not knowing and the feeling of discovery no matter how trivial. I really have no idea. I do enjoy that my brain keeps me entertained in some fashion without me really trying. Besides, one of these times I am sure to be holding onto something important and I am not going to ignore it just because it usually isn't.

I believe firmly in the above principle. Although I have applied it somewhat jokingly in my context one should not give up on discovering or exploring merely because you have never found anything new or enlightening. Of course this is a lot more applicable to things not associated with the physical sciences as the reason you may not have discovered "Magikmantium" yet is because it does not exist.

Random Stuff

Not really thinking about anything but I need to write more stuff.

Upon the waking dawn a light shone through
Casting long shadows and burning up dew
The morning came bright that summers day
I only wish you were here, to see it that way

Thats all you get for now :)

Holla!

It has been some time since an update was made and that is merely the result of my increased positivity levels. In the time since March 4th I have been prescribed some ADHD medication. This stuff is called Focalin and it has allowed me to actually keep my mind on something long enough to want to accomplish it or at least see the importance of doing so. As such I haven't been sitting around home much or alone for long enough to think about composing a blog update. I'm sure once I get back on a schedule with a job, school and don't live at home that this will be a much more productive outlet for my creative flow. I have written some random things recently that surely could warrant a posting on here but I am not going to bother with doing that now. Anyways, my attention has waned from this post so I will cut it short so that it doesn't end up as some rambling bullshit. I'm doin' good, feelin' fine, things are lookin' up, but not a ton has actually happened. Dig it.

Instant Karma

So I was texting the other day and the person I was texting wanted me to write them nonsense to distract them from being upset. These are the texts I wrote on the fly. I think they are a pretty good showcase of my ability to come up with anything on the spot.

This first one is a poem.

Well in the house there lived such a mouse.
A mouse in a house did there be.
He got a reaction from some modern distraction
and wound up under the sea.

Next is the beginning to a sweet war story.

The Marines were up against the Germans airfield.we see krauts in the distance; my officer yells "FIRE!" and pretty soon the whole place had been tore up with pillbox fire and mortar shells. I could see 'em in the distance. I shot. One down; a lucky break. He leaned into it. I gotta shoot better if I'm gonna make it.

Lastly is a song.

What way does the bird fly, way low or way up high?
If you knew then you'd be hip and let it roll right off ya lip.
I gotta feelin' you don't know so lemme lay it on ya slow.
That bird flies way high, yeah, he flies real high.
I tell you that bird's flyin' way up high.
He's got a message to deliver and if I were you I'd be a quiver of what you gonna do.
The birds don't care if they make you lose yo hair so just let 'em be, and smoke some tree.
Let that bird fly high, yeah, bird just fly on by.

Night Owl

So this last weekend has been kind of...well, fucked up. It started pretty normal. I went to a housewarming party at my friends' house for their new roommate. She is pretty sweet, and her boyfriend said he liked my shirt. I told him we were friends now, so we are. So I went home the next morning and went to sleep as I had not been able to yet. I woke up around 11:00 p.m. I believe and thought, eh, whatev, I'll just stay up all night and all tomorrow. Basically I ended up staying up all night and passing out and waking up at night again the next day. That has been how it has gone every day till today. It's pretty crazy waking up and everyone is already asleep, their tasks for the day finished while mine have yet to begin, if I even had any. I had nothing to do. It was already too late to call anyone or go anywhere, and my brain isn't functional enough for video games at that point.

So that saturday night this all begins. I decide I should just go outside. It's dark, probably about 20 degrees outside. Snow everywhere, I must be crazy, I thought. Surprisingly the cold doesn't seem to bother me, I think it just feels good to not be asleep and actually functional so my body is like, Fuck it! lets run a mile!! Anyways I got some fatty boots on and I'm walkin' around in the snow when I hear this Hoot Hootin' out across the back pond and in the woods.

If you are not familiar my house is on 40 acres, has a pond, 3 fields or varied size, a woods, swamp, river and mud wrestling pit. Seriously. So I'm like, fuck, that owl is the only other thing out here besides me, barring sasquatch, of course. So I responded with my best mimicry of the hoot he hooted. I could tell this Owl meant business because he called back within seconds of mine. He had a deep hoot, the kind you would expect an owl to make, but rarely hear. It was kind of like Hoot Hoo-hoot, hoot, hoot. Again I did my best to respond as owly as possible. It took me a while to get the right vibration and volume. I could tell some of them were totally off because I got no response. I got my tongue trill down and pretty soon we were going at it. I knew he was talking to me too because he would move away then come back closer when I called.

I went in the barn for a while to warm up, and to arm myself. Something made a crazy noise and I wasn't going to have anything attack me so I grabbed a bat and a carving knife and made my way back outside after 40 minutes or so. I called out again to test and got my owl friend back on the line in seconds. Another one had shown up too at some point, farther away from the first because I heard him calling out in the distance. He had a longer hoot, 3 hoots long. I tried different calls for each so they would know I acknowledged each of them. After a few hours of romping around outside chilling with the owls I went back inside.

The next night came, I woke up, and went back outside. This time I got some sweet snowshoes from the barn. Got my bat just in case and embarked. My owl friends were waiting for me it seems because after a few minutes of calling the original one answered back and then I heard the second. I wondered what kind of owl they thought I was. Or if they knew I was just a guy trying to talk to them. I tried not to stand too out in the open so they would see me and get freaked out, so I stayed next to trees and objects. I was quite curious of what they were trying to accomplish with each of their hoots. If it was a calling out to see if anyone else was around, or maybe a statement that this is where they hunt and that I should beat it.

Upon further research I discovered that I was conversing with two Great Horned Owls. I got pretty excited when I saw that. I'm pretty much in love with birds as it is so it was pretty cool to know that not only were there some sweet owls around my house, but that I had chatted 'em up like a pro! I feel like I communicated with them, even if it was just some random hoots they knew I was there and I knew they where there too. They responded clearly to me, and I to them. I hadn't seen people practically at all this weekend because they were always asleep when I woke up. The owls were there for me though. They didn't care that I didn't accomplish anything at all. They were perfectly happy to just talk for the hell of it.

I had more fun talking to those owls than I do talking to most people. So if you are up late, feel like crap, and can't take the world anymore you should head outside and find someone who gives a hoot.

formspring.me

why do the haters hate?

A simple question, but a difficult one to answer depending on how you want to look at it. You could say that a hater hates because that is his nature. Or in layman's terms, "Haters gonna hate." Though it should be remembered that not everyone who hates is a hater. I believe if you want a good idea of an actual explanation you should think about why most people complain, bitch and hate on other people and things. In almost every occurrence of this happening the one doing said acts of "hating" really has no reason to be doing it, other than to be bring others down. Its a tough world we live in, because whether or not the haters have a reason to hate they will still do just that. Which is why my most common retort to such acts is "Haters gonna hate" because it lets them know that I'm onto their bullshit. Use it as well, and you will admire the results.

What do you want to know?

I forgot this blog existed.

So I totally forgot I even had this thing. I guess I should update it. Here's something I wrote a few weeks ago.

Time has passed slowly these last few days. Be it from the medication, sadness or otherwise I'm not too sure. I suppose it doesn't really matter too much. Perhaps it is merely a recapturing of the essence and importance of time in my life. Time had little meaning to me before; the future was an abyss of both uncertainty and foregone conclusions. The present was merely a high-speed train careening towards more disappointments. Thinking about the future was something that caused me a lot of stress. In fact, I tried my best not to think about it. Each day was just the same as the last. No hope for the future and no gratification from the past. Now it seems that moment is here when I can truly understand the meaning of time. You can't just look constantly in the future for you must live in the present first to be truly happy. "Be here now," a wise man once told me. For if you are not here now how can you possibly be here later? If you find happiness in the present then that happiness will become your future. Sounds simple enough. I'm not sure what sparked this change. I'm not entirely sure that I have changed. I do know though that I want to be here now, which has to be better than where I was.

So there you go, I started out just writing some random fictional melodrama I thought could be interesting just to see where it went and it sort of morphed into a life lesson/biography of some of the feelings I've had recently. Dig it. More posts to come soon.