Thursday, December 30, 2010


Just at work right now with nothing to do...time was moving so fast earlier but now it seems to be stuck. I will attempt to speed it up with some erroneous thoughts.

I got a Lego Star Destroyer for Christmas. It may be the best present I have received in years. It will be a constant reminder that, yes, I am awesome.  See below.

I wish getting things done in real life was as easy as it is to accomplish in my head.  I have far too many ideas and not enough of them get actualized.

I'm so sure of outcomes it seems, that I cancel the future to be
madness brewed in an effort to censor all and everything
a battle for my expression is waged just the same
what was written is gone but the writing still remains

Its strange how sometimes it is so easy for me to express exactly what I want to say and get across in my writing and other times I am frozen.  This usually happens because I am so aware of multiple viewpoints and sympathetic to all sides of an issue that I cannot write something because I just think of all the ways it is wrong or dumb.  Like in a poem, I might start writing it and then freak out because the rhyme style changes or the meter shifts around.  I think the real problem is that my mind is such a powerful processor that I cant help but analyze things as they happen or before.  And not like just thinking about it, like intense thoughts on its impact and if someone read it all the ways they could view it and I see how easily it could be interpreted in different ways and I have no control over.

It is very aggravating to have a mind full of swirling ideas and being able to create so easily and then have this mind block.  I mean, its gotten to the point where I have so much anxiety about this kind of stuff that I wish I could just feel what it is like to be ignorant of all that.  Its easy to tell myself I can't control it and not to give a fuck, I just wish it could happen a little more consistently.

I am sure in a few hours I will have no problem with any of this...humans are such a fickle species.  Granted the priviledges of advanced intelligence and all the curses that come with them.  It sucks to think and be so smart nowadays when most everyone else is either ignorant, unintelligent or just vapid as balls.  Luckily I am good at finding friends who aren't, I don't know how else I would make it.


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