Bored

Just at work right now with nothing to do...time was moving so fast earlier but now it seems to be stuck. I will attempt to speed it up with some erroneous thoughts.

I got a Lego Star Destroyer for Christmas. It may be the best present I have received in years. It will be a constant reminder that, yes, I am awesome.  See below.

I wish getting things done in real life was as easy as it is to accomplish in my head.  I have far too many ideas and not enough of them get actualized.


I'm so sure of outcomes it seems, that I cancel the future to be
madness brewed in an effort to censor all and everything
a battle for my expression is waged just the same
what was written is gone but the writing still remains



Its strange how sometimes it is so easy for me to express exactly what I want to say and get across in my writing and other times I am frozen.  This usually happens because I am so aware of multiple viewpoints and sympathetic to all sides of an issue that I cannot write something because I just think of all the ways it is wrong or dumb.  Like in a poem, I might start writing it and then freak out because the rhyme style changes or the meter shifts around.  I think the real problem is that my mind is such a powerful processor that I cant help but analyze things as they happen or before.  And not like just thinking about it, like intense thoughts on its impact and if someone read it all the ways they could view it and I see how easily it could be interpreted in different ways and I have no control over.

It is very aggravating to have a mind full of swirling ideas and being able to create so easily and then have this mind block.  I mean, its gotten to the point where I have so much anxiety about this kind of stuff that I wish I could just feel what it is like to be ignorant of all that.  Its easy to tell myself I can't control it and not to give a fuck, I just wish it could happen a little more consistently.

I am sure in a few hours I will have no problem with any of this...humans are such a fickle species.  Granted the priviledges of advanced intelligence and all the curses that come with them.  It sucks to think and be so smart nowadays when most everyone else is either ignorant, unintelligent or just vapid as balls.  Luckily I am good at finding friends who aren't, I don't know how else I would make it.





 

A Quandry

I have noticed that while reading a book, magazine, or other multiple page document I frequently use my finger(s) to hold my place at random times for no real reason. I don't usually realize it until I see my finger stuck in between some pages and flip back to see what was so important to find nothing particular at all!

Occasionally I have found myself holding several different spots at once with multiple fingers as if my brain is subconsciously forcing me to look back upon previously viewed information only to uncover nothing interesting at all. This kind of sucks after awhile because I like to think that I would be holding onto important and evocative passages or statements. When I notice myself holding that spot twenty pages back from where I am now I usually imagine that it contains some kind of secret to unlocking the context of the writing or at least a picture of a kitty. It is never any of these things but just a page I absentmindedly stuck my finger in.

Despite my awareness of the futility of my practice I cannot seem to stop myself from doing it. Tourettes perhaps, or just madness? Maybe I just like the surprise of not knowing and the feeling of discovery no matter how trivial. I really have no idea. I do enjoy that my brain keeps me entertained in some fashion without me really trying. Besides, one of these times I am sure to be holding onto something important and I am not going to ignore it just because it usually isn't.

I believe firmly in the above principle. Although I have applied it somewhat jokingly in my context one should not give up on discovering or exploring merely because you have never found anything new or enlightening. Of course this is a lot more applicable to things not associated with the physical sciences as the reason you may not have discovered "Magikmantium" yet is because it does not exist.

Random Stuff

Not really thinking about anything but I need to write more stuff.

Upon the waking dawn a light shone through
Casting long shadows and burning up dew
The morning came bright that summers day
I only wish you were here, to see it that way

Thats all you get for now :)